his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
