I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize