I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Randomize
