Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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