I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
