She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
