Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
