I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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