he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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