What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
