Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
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