he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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