can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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