Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
