Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
