WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
