Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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