After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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