I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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