I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
