Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
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