when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
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