This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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