I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
