you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
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