I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
