i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
