i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
