fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
