my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
