is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
