Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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