I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
