please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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