It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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