Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
