you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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