On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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