just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
