i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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