The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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