Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
All the doctor said was why
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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