I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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