You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
