haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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