having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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