Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
