update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
