When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
