chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
