Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
