i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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