She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Randomize
