My liver just broke up with me...
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
