will power is for people who don't want to get laid
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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