I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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