You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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