you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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