Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
