Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
