Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
