He disabled his match.com account in front of me
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
