my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize
